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End the Arguing

~ self-study video course with PDF workbook ~

A nine-lesson self-study course designed to help you identify and fix the problem in your relationship.

End the Arguing is an 87-page downloadable pdf document that is designed as a workbook, leading you through all of the stages of The Cycle of Pain.  There are video introductions to each lesson where I highlight the goal of each lesson so you're sure to stay on track with your overall goals of understanding why you and your spouse are not able to communicate effectively and address the issue so your Hot Topics can be resolved. 

When our marriage is in trouble, it's like the foundation of our life is shaky and insecure – we feel stressed, worried and it’s often difficult to find joy in the life we’ve worked so hard to create for ourselves.  If you're looking at a course like this, chances are things have gotten pretty stressful and you're uncertain about what to do next.  Maybe you're considering separation or divorce or maybe you're ready to get some outside help to better understand the problems and the solutions available to you.  Either way, this is a tough time.

 

Many couples who struggle in their relationship describe having one or two “hot topics” that they repeatedly argue about and can never seem to resolve despite their best efforts.  

 

Does it feel like no matter how hard you try to communicate your thoughts and feelings your spouse still doesn’t understand you?  Regardless of how careful you are to express exactly what you’re thinking, you still can’t seem to relay your message?  Or, no matter how determined you’ve been to figure out what’s really going on, you still aren’t able to get to the bottom of things?  Some people say it feels like they’re living in the twilight zone – they feel disoriented, confused and completely powerless to make headway.   You may have even read all of the “right” books and done all sorts of “self-help work” – meditation, psychotherapy, life coaching, maybe even medication too…but here you are, again, stuck in the same spot.  

 

You may be relieved to learn that typically there is a very specific reason that those hot topics can never be resolved and that the solution is easier than you might think. Most couples are very surprised to learn that personal characteristics developed from unresolved emotional pain from the past is the culprit that is wreaking havoc on their relationship and is responsible for eroding their emotional and intimate connection and their ability to communicate effectively.    

 

 

What you will learn...

 

This course was developed to help struggling couples finally understand the core issue that lies beneath the challenges in their relationship and provides them with practical and practice-able tools and strategies to help them overcome those challenges. Using focused and targeted exercises you’ll not only uncover the root issue that is causing the problem, but you’ll also actually begin to address that root issue so it stops wreaking havoc in your relationship.

 

Typically, traditional forms of therapy address surface issues like helping couples learn to communicate more effectively and there's nothing wrong with that -  it never hurts to brush up on communication skills, right? However, all of the communication techniques in the world will be useless unless you deal with the emotional root issue that is making communication difficult in the first place.

 

Focusing on communication skills without dealing with the root issue is like putting new tires on a car that needs a wheel alignment - your efforts won't fix the problem.

 

My approach does what other forms of therapy seem unable to do - it really was designed to identify and address the hidden emotional pain that's been responsible for causing those hot topics and preventing you from solving the problems. 

 

This course will help you:

 

  • identify and heal the emotional pain that is responsible for causing the problems in your relationship,

  • learn how to effectively communicate with your partner, even when your emotional pain has been triggered,

  • learn effective tools to help you manage your triggers so you can reset mentally and emotionally and regain emotional balance,

  • identify things that your spouse does that triggers your emotional pain,

  • identify the trauma that created your emotional pain, and

  • understand The Cycle of Emotional Pain and how emotional pain from the past has been impacting your life and your relationship

 

 

This Course Might be for you if you ...

 

  • have problems you haven’t been able to resolve or understand fully, despite all best efforts,

  • are open to examining old wounds but not eternally living in them,

  • aren’t into blame and finger-pointing, and

  • would consider yourself open to learning more about your emotions and how they may be impacting your life.

 

 

"I really am loving this course. I really love your examples, they help me tons. I'm learning so much and I'm so excited about where this is going to take us in our relationship.” AH

 

 

Lesson Structure

 

This course consists of 9 lessons and each lesson starts with:

 

  1. The presentation of the concept(s) in the lesson (this is the theory part) and includes clear examples to help you understand the concepts.

  2. Next, you are given focused and targeted exercises intended to evoke the insight and emotion necessary to help you understand the concept in each lesson and how it impacts you and your relationship.

  3. Lastly, you will be given simple homework assignments in the form of tools and strategies you can practice in your daily life so the lesson content becomes integrated, making lasting change possible.

 

 

 Lesson Content

 

In this course, you will learn about the Cycle of Emotional Pain, how it impacts you and your relationship and you will be given strategies that will help you break the Cycle and restore emotional balance and peace within you and your relationship.  The 9 lessons are described below: 

 

 

The Cycle of Emotional Pain

 

Lesson 1: conditioning

 

In this lesson, we explore how our conditioning as children can potentially create difficulties in our relationships. Understanding how we are conditioned or 'wired', is a crucial step in knowing what needs to change so we can be more effective in our relationships. 

 

Lesson 2(a): trauma

 

In this lesson, we explore events in our past that may have caused emotional pain and suffering. This is where we identify our Unmet Emotional Need (i.e. what we needed emotionally, but didn't get as children) which surfaces in our hot topics and makes communicating with our spouses very difficult.   

 

Lesson 2(b): the impact of trauma

 

In this lesson, we explore how the difficult events in our past impacted us as children and how those events may still be impacting us today, as adults.  This is an important point to gain clarity on when resolving relationship issues because typically, we tend to handle current challenges in a similar way we handled them as children - which isn’t always ideal. We’ll also explore more effective ways to respond to challenges so that we can approach our hot topics in a way that will give us different results.  

 

Lesson 3: externalizing

 

In this lesson, we identify the expectations we might be placing on our spouse to behave in certain ways so we can feel good. This and the next step, Lesson 4: attachment, are important aspects to explore so we can better understand the emotional pain driving our hot topics and making communication difficult.​

Lesson 4: attachment

 

In this lesson, we explore how much we need our spouse to behave in specific ways so we can feel good.  Building on the previous lesson, Lesson 3: externalizing, this will help us better understand the difficult dynamic causing our hot topics.

Lesson 5(a): breaking the cycle by identifying triggers

In this lesson, we identify all the ways our spouse triggers our emotional pain from the past. This is the first step in breaking the Cycle of Emotional Pain that wreaks havoc on our relationships.

Lesson 5(b): breaking the cycle by managing triggers

 

In this lesson, we learn how to Managing our Triggers, which is one of two very powerful strategies I use to break the Cycle of Emotional Pain and restore peace and harmony in relationships. It is a reactionary strategy that is used when our emotional pain is triggered and we need to reset emotionally.  

Lesson 5(c): breaking the cycle by filling your emotional cup

 

In this lesson, we learn about the second strategy I use to break the Cycle of Emotional pain. It is called Filling Your Emotional Cup and it is a proactive strategy used to help us meet our emotional needs, heal our pain from the past and promote emotional balance.

 

Lesson 5(d): breaking the cycle using communication

 

In this lesson, we explore how our emotional pain can cause difficulties in communication. You will be given new strategies to help you communicate your thoughts and feelings in an effective way so you can begin to resolve your hot topics.    

Frequently Asked Questions

 

How many lessons are there? 

 

There are nine lessons in this course and include theory and exercises that are all specifically designed to help you expose the emotional root challenge that is creating your hot topics and causing your communication to break down. 

 

How will I get access to the lessons?

 

Once you purchase the course, you will get instant access to the digital document and you can download it immediately.

 

How long will each lesson take me to complete?

 

The lessons are designed to be completed in around 30 minutes but some will take less time to complete and others may take just a bit longer.  I suggest making sure your scheduling enough time so you can complete the lesson at a pace that is not rushed.

 

How much time should I leave between lessons?

 

I suggest leaving about a week between each lesson.  The goal, with each lesson, is to read the theory, do the exercises and then observe how that particular lesson's content might be applicable in your relationship.  I find that the more we can wrap our brain around the concepts and let them sink in, the easier it is to see how it applies to our own specific situation.  That's why I suggest allowing up to a week between lessons.  But just trust yourself...go at a pace that feels right for you.

 

My spouse might not want to take this course with me. Is that ok?

 

This course was designed to be used individually or with your spouse so it's no problem if you're just doing the course on your own. 

 

My spouse and I are doing this course together.  Are we supposed to do the lessons at the same time?

 

Ideally, it's best (and most enjoyable) if you both do the lessons at the same time but it's not necessary. The goal though is for both of you to do the lesson and at some point, before you start the next lesson, share your insights with each other.  The best part about doing this course together is the potential for learning things about your spouse you may have never known before.  One of the most beautiful things I witness when working with couples is the newfound love and compassion people experience when they really understand their spouse's trauma, their emotional pain and how that pain is triggered within the relationship.  This understanding has the potential to change a relationship dynamic from an attack/defence dynamic to one of love and compassion. 

 

How much does the course cost? 

 

This course is $50.  The fee is the same if you are taking it on your own or with your spouse.  But please do not share the course with others. If you find the course helpful, sharing your praise and encouraging others to purchase it would be greatly appreciated! 

 

What if I need extra support?

 

 

Extra Support

 

ONE-ON-ONE SUPPORT

 

Sometimes people like the type of support that comes from human connection.  If you would like extra support while working on this course, we can arrange in-person or telephone/video call support at 20% off my regular rate which works out to be $120 for a 90-minute session (either in person or over the phone/video call).

 

 

 

 

Support from a Community

 

I’ve created a private Facebook group that you may want to participate in while you're doing this course.  It's a nice way to connect with other people who are participating in the course, get additional support, ask questions, share your progress and learn about the insights others are having.  This Participation is optional and there's no additional charge.

 

 

Are you ready for things to get better?

 

If you are ready to dig into the course, head over to the Store page where you can access and download the course right away.  Click here to get started.

If you want to learn more, please contact me.  I'd love to arrange a phone conversation to make this course is the best option for you.  The call is free and there's absolutely no risk or obligation to proceed if you don't want to.  

 

To schedule a time to chat, the best way to reach me is via email.  My email address is support@joyce-schafers.com.

 

 

Additional Resources

 

Be sure to check out my Radio Interviews if you'd like to hear discussions about my coaching philosophy or take my Relationship Health Quiz to identify any areas of your relationship that might need help. 

 

I'm proud to announce that I have been rated as one of "ThreeBest" Marriage Counsellors in St. Albert! 

support@joyce-schafers.com                                                                                                                                     780.264.0337

 

 

© 2015 by joyce-schafers.com

St. Albert, Alberta, Canada

TESTIMONIALS

Thanks again for all you’ve done as I know that I have taken away many pointers and concepts that have made me more self-reflective, a better problem solver and helped me understand not only my partner but myself. You’ve been wonderful!

— BL

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